How do I delicately ask my husband to address his gas problem?

Dear Liz,
My husband relieves his gas in bed. A LOT. It really sickens me and I want to sleep in a separate room, but he says that’s for old people. I don’t know what to do?  I was thinking of eating beans myself and giving him a taste of his own medicine. Is that wrong?
Sincerely, Needing Help in New Harbor

Dear Needing Help in New Harbor,

Oh. Lord. Girl, I can commiserate with this problem. My husband is no stranger to jokes about Dutch ovens and now my sons think farting is funny too. I feel so #blessed. I laughed when I read your question but as I asked around to some married friends, I found myself laughing even harder at their responses, so I thought I would share a few of them with you here.

“That’s not wrong. That’s marriage. You give AND take. Haha.” – Jennifer

“Oh, hell, no. That is unacceptable on all levels. You want to exhale killer gases from your nether regions, you better take it out of bed. I find it disgusting, a major turn off, and will sleep on the couch. I’m usually pretty laid back. Not with this. If you feel it coming, step outside. And I do mean outside if it’s bad. It’s controllable 99.987364859 percent of the time. No excuses.” – Crystal

“I mean, dudes are gross, whaddya gonna do, right? I’m sure my morning breath is no whiff of summer breeze. Just sayin'” – Karen

“You Dutch oven his a** right back! I WOULD!” – Beth

“Covert actions are necessary here. Beano sprinkled over all his food before giving it to him, and you can spray Poo Pourri right at his bum in bed if some gas lingers.” – Beth (a different one)

“Put him on dry food. It works for the animals.” – Chris (parent of a fur baby)

“Nothing makes me more instantly rage angry than being farted on in bed.” – Jessica

“I would respond to his toots by tooting your own horn. As in air horn. Next time he blasts you, startle him to his senses with a brief blast of near-deafening noise. Of course, the shock may cause a secondary blast from his bits, but it’ll be worth it.” – Elly

“Get out of bed and throw a match under the covers. That might convince him not to do it again…although Beano might be a more civil response.” – Rick (married 25 years)

As for sleeping in separate beds? Well, I mean, how much knocking boots are you really going to have if you’re busy trying to hold your breath through a storm of farts? At the very least, having a sense of humor will help you keep your marriage happy and healthy despite the stench of broken wind.

Good luck!

~ Liz

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